Unfit parents.

There should be an organization that gives crazy, disorganized parents medals. I'm sure my husband and I would not have to compete to be crowned King and Queen.
Aaah, what can I say? What happened this morning is too embarrassing to even think of.

My oldest son, Orama is back to school after a long, sugary summer holiday. Today was his first day, and trust me, it wasn't without serious drama...

What happened is, me and my hypochondriac better half totally had no idea that the summer vacation for school kids was over. In our heads, Orama still had a day before he was back to school. How dumb!
I left for work at 7.30 am as usual, leaving the boys and their dad snoring and polluting the air in the blankets with smelly gas. Lazy bums, they are!
I had planned to leave work early, get into town for Orama's school bag and socks, then head home to cover his books and iron his uniforms. (I'm a last minute doer. Always have been.)
But I really should have known..
Let's just say my proscrastination paid off today.
An hour into work my sister rings to wish Orama good luck in his new class.
"What, the bloody school starts today?" I asked my sister again and again. Totally in disbelief. Hoping to hear her laugh and say she was messing with me...
But of course, she wasn't. The principal confirmed the not-so-good news a few minutes later over the phone.
"oh yes, Hannah, school starts today."
I had never sweated so profusely!
It was exactly 9am, and I had about 15 minutes to rush home, get Orama ready and bring him to school. My husband could have done that, but the uniforms and books were still in my car boot. So I hit the accelerator with fury. I could have passed as Schumacker's mistress at the speed of 170 miles an hour.
I got home at 9.07am. Amazingly. Tich had showered Orama, so I just had to dress him, give him his breakie, and label his books as fast as I could.
Tich had by then rushed to the shops to get him a new bag.
It was crazy, but we made it!

Avoiding misery..

Well Graceful, the bad news here is, *my husband wants to follow me on Twitter*
My good, gracious, God..., can you imagine a more rotten luck upon your backside?
Really, me and this guy suffocate each other enough everyday at home. And if my mathematics serves me right, we still have about a lifetime left before we each completely run out of breath. Why bring the unhealthy situation to this innocent network- the only place where respiration is possible?
I'm sorry Tich if you are reading this, but I'm gonna have to ignore your request. With love, of course. I'm also gonna block your ass. And again with love. That way you won't stalk me and make both our lives miserable like you did on Facebook. That way china, phones, laptops and anything that's breakable can live longer.
There's no need to bring the boxing ring and gloves on Twitter. The one in the house is enough..

Creatures to avoid being friends with on social networks:

1. Your ex. Especially the one who still makes your head spin..., or you'll be spinning right into some mental instituition.
2. Your ex's new squeeze/hunk. That will only bring you straight into the life of that person you desperately wanna forget. And believe me, the amount of misery you'd be wallowing in once you make that error is indecipherable!
3. Your hubby, wifey, boyfriend and girlfriend. Unless of course, you wanna murder all the plates in the house cuz of jealousy...

Aaah, how I despairingly ache for the dark ages - the stone age. When human beings were happy and fully satisfied with nudity and ignorance.
Modern technology has made the world crazy. We've all been turned into sorry stalkers. Discretion and privacy are two words that no longer exist in today's thesaurus or world.
We certainly need more mental asylums!

The ultimate.

Death.

An unknown mystery that confirms the end of life.
*The most feared*
*The undefeatable*
*The unpredictable*

For homo sapiens, the fear of death, and the need to outwit it begins on the day of conception. A foetus, as undeveloped as it is, knows the smell of death.
The first thing an infant does after exiting the womb is scream for dear life.
But why all the fear?
If death is as natural as birth, if every beginning has to have an ending, why all the tiring fuss to avoid it?

Da X factor.

After a frustratingly eternal count-down, The X factor is finally here. Bigger and better!
I live for music, hence my obsession with the tv British singing competetion.
This year the auditions are being held not only in front of Simon and his mean ilk, but also a full ready-to-boo audience. So you can imagine the nerves among the poor contestants.. It's crazy.
Last night we saw some great acts, and a lot of nutty ones. The judges delivered judgement accordingly.
And talking of judges, we can't deny they add a lot of yumminess to the show. Unfair or not.
Simon Cowell seems to have advanced his bluntness. His comments for the crazy acts last night were just painful. But you can't help falling in love with the guy, nonetheless. He emits pure charisma!
Cheryl Cole, everyone's favourite judge, is more enchanting than ever. Making life as hellish as possible for horny teenage lads around the world. And as usual going easy with the ones with froggy voices.
Danii Minogue is still on maternity leave after pushing out a mini Minogue July this year. But she will be joining the panel later in the show. Can't wait to see what snazzy hair-dos she has this time around.
And, oh gosh, the old grumpy Irish dude also known as Louis Walsh...,he looks even grumpier. Its like nothing pleases him, really. Oh well, I'll just ignore him as always.
I wonder if I'll be able to predict the winner this year. I haven't been wrong for the past 3 shows. Damn, I'm bad!


*premier league began last week. The Blue stallions are on heat. Defending their title more compellingly!
And US open tennis begins next week. Sad Serena won't compete. She's still not well..
Life is delicious!

The nature of friendship.

This morning, I got another email from this buddy of mine that wants to get in my pants. Maybe "ex buddy" would be more appropriate, watcha think?
Title: "wakwiyadi eti"
Body: "ndiye zako izotu ung'omboka ngati ukuganiza kuti ndipepesa. I can never apologize for being truthful about my feelings. That's just the way it is."

Seriously, I have no time for mentally disturbed creatures. Nor have I energy to waste replying to their even crazier emails. As far as I know, me and this guy are no longer friends. I will never talk to him again. Call me childish, but he crossed a dangerously disrespectful line here. How am I supposed to be still friends with him when I know all he wants to do is shove the snake in his pants in my private parts? How can I ever trust him again?
Friendship is one thin thread that can be snipped off in less than a tick of a second.

Ok, now I'm angry.

Some people are just mentally ill!
What would you do if a guy you trusted and treated like a brother almost all your life told you in no uncertain terms that he wanted to fuck you? (Sorry for the lingo, but I'm frothing with fury right now)

Ok, though i'm boiling inside with revolt, I put a friendly mask and try to explain to this guy, whom I told you emailed me yesterday to let me know how he felt, that besides the fact that I'm married, the thought of him and me together isn't at all conceivable simply because I have no romantic feelings for him. I also tell him that he islike a brother to me and an affair or sex with him would be like incest. And I even add the word "yuck" with an exclamation mark to emphasize my disgust. But he still doesn't get it. He still thinks I'm some smart tart aching for him, but playing hard-to-get.
So he gets all crazy and starts giving me examples of other married women who've had solid affairs, and brothers and sisters who've had sexual relations. This is surely a crazy world!
He goes on to say that the reason he refers to me as "mayi a Orama" is not because he's scared of me. My marriage and two kids are not strong enough excuses to stop him from ravishing me. I'll quote; "sukufuna ine ndidzaone ndikuphunzira mmene mkazi okwatira amakhalira kuchipinda, ndipo iye adzaone mmene ine ndimabuulira?" Misala yeniyeni! I almost feel like throwing up writing this filth!
I'm slowly losing my cool. I'm so mad I just wanna tell him to go and wank if he is that horny. But I don't cuz no matter how he's disapointed me as a friend, I still have respect for him as a person. I just dont feel for him what he wants me to feel. And I don't do affairs. Especially with men I don't love. I tell him exactly that and His reply is; "ok, you don't do affairs, I understand, then fuck me once before this life is over. You won't lose anything." Imagine the nerve!

Most guys don't get it. If a woman smiles at them, they think that's an invitation. They think, "oh, she so wants me."
But it doesn't work that way. Get a grip guys!
A woman is a very complicated being when it comes to sex and love. Whilst men are straight forward and can bed anything, even a sick
chicken, as long as their hard-ons give them a go ahead, women only open their legs smilingly and with not a tiny weeny bit of hesitation in response to their hearts. Otherwise they transform into robots, or lie there like a heap of salt waiting for the man pouncing on top of them to
finish and give them whatever payment. Love and sex are one in a woman's mind. They go hand in hand.

I told this guy that am just like any other woman when it comes to love and sex. If my heart doesn't feel it, my loins won't melt.
He still didn't get it. Even after making it clear to him that there was only one man on earth whom I would risk everything for, even my kids
happiness, just to bed once :) and that it certainly wasn't him. He still thought I was kidding.
He laughed in disbelief, and accused me of being angry with him. He told me he didn't care and wasn't
gonna apologize for that was still how he felt.
Really, and truly, this guy is totally bipolar!
I remember when he invited himself in my home 2 years ago, everyone else thought I was mad for letting him visit.
My sister saw through him and warned me the guy was totally obsessed with me but I thought she was the one being crazy.
This guy acted as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. He won both my kids' and hubby's affection. What a conniving mamba!
But eeish...! I guess enawa amakhala malodza basi.

Oh, Lord...

Graceful,
Today I learnt one very important lesson and would like to share it with you.
"The only time a man and woman can be friends is when the man is gay." Period!
For many years I've been tight friends with this guy I've known since 3rd grade. Me and him always got along so well and
I thought he was one of my best friends. I even welcomed him in my home once to meet my hubby and kids. But boy was I so naive!
He dropped the bombshell last night through an email, confessing his love. At first I thought he was joking. Then I was convinced he was sniffing glue, and had lost his mind. But this morning, he sent another A4 confession of his strong feelings for me. What do I do? The thing is, he has this wrong impression that I feel the same way for him. Oh I wish I did! He's one of the most incredible guys I've met, but I can't feel what's not there. I love him, yes, but in a brotherly kind of way.
How do I tell him how I truly feel without hurting his feelings, or ruining our friendship?
Boy, this is one awkward situation you wouldn't wanna be caught dead in! *sigh*

Happy Birthday...

It's Tichatonga's birthday today. Yeah, Tich, the bearded, flat-chested, creature I vowed before the law to spend the rest of my life driving crazy:) He's turning into such a wrinkly pringle. Very soon I'll be dealing with the likes of amnesia, dementia, incontinence...and then nappies. Yuck! I better join cougarism and find myself a Ken doll with no brains but fresh enough to eat quick.. Lol.
Anyway, this time I ain't getting Tich a birthday present. And the decision has got nothing to do with recession. I just don't wanna rub it in on his wrinkles and break his heart:)) And besides, he's always asked me for the same pair of shoe for the last six birthdays I've celebrated with him and nothing else. Very odd! But Tich gives a proper definition of odd. This time when I went to the shop that sells the shoe, (the shop assistants know me very well now, even the sound of my footsteps) they told me the person who designs it got really pissed off that I haven't bought anything different in the past six years....just the same pair of shoe. He found that too crazy and was forced to completely stop designing it.:)) Trust Tich when it comes to detesting change!

But he's been such a darling for too long and to compensate for the shoes and all other times I've been a total selfish bitch to him, tonight I'm gonna cook a meal that will make him drool for the rest of his life. And I'm gonna give him the most poisonous of my love - the one that will intoxicate the core of his soul and leave him in a trance of sweetness. I'll make it a birthday he will remember even in his grave! He certainly deserves it!!

Happy Birthday Tich!!!

Hell on earth.

Do our life styles really determine the way we're gonna die?
Like chain smokers, do they all die of lung cancer?
What about "mbiyang'ambes, is it always liver scelorsus that claims their last intake of oxygen?

Lately, my mind has been occupied with thoughts of Paiche Unyolo, the Malawian young lady who was brutally murdered in Co. Kilkenny, Ireland in 2004. Her headless decomposing body wrapped in bin bags was found floating in a river by two women who were leisurely taking a walk.
Six years later, her murderer is still on the loose, and her head is still yet to be found.

I did not know Paiche, nor had I ever heard of her prior to her sad death, but my spine gets serious chills every time I think of what she must have gone through in her last minutes of life.
Whether she was a drug dealer, lap dancer, or a sex seller, she still did not deserve to go that way. Nobody should ever go that way.

I hope Paiche rests in eternal peace!

The Karate Kid.

My 5 year old son has been obsessing about Kung Fu since seeing Jaden Smith kick ass in the new Karate kid. His dad made a mistake of buying him the DVD, and he's hidden the tv remote so he can look at Dre, the new kid in the Chinese block, and Mr Han (Jackie Chan), the kung Fu guru hiding behind maintainance work, for eternity. Even though I'm sick of the movie, and mad for missing a lot of my series because of it, I must admit, it has taught me one very important lesson. That is; "Life will knock us down, but we can choose whether or not to get back up." Mr Han.

Friday.

Hey Graceful,

yours truly is floating in White wine and feels like the moon is shining just for her.
Life can be dangerously sweet at times! Especially when you are living for the moment.
If I were to die tonight, I certainly wouldn't be disappointed.
I've explored all angles of life.
I was fathered by a genius and mothered by the best.
I had the most adorable brother, and have the sister more beautiful than all the supermodels put together.
I've had the most enchanting friends.
I've loved and been loved in return by the most superb guy.
And I've given two little angels the priceless gift of life.
What more do I need to achieve on earth, really?

Ok.

Hey Graceful,
I'm in a pretty good form today.
Of course I still have the impossible task of puncturing a bull's eye from a thousand miles away looming ahead of me, but I've told myself not to lose sleep on it too much. Wallowing in self-pity won't bend fate. So I'm gonna put the tears and fear on stand-by for now, and cherish the oxygen around.

"if I had only 24 hrs left to live, what would be the last thing I'd do?" That's the question bouncing up and down my mind right now. Crazy, huh?
But the heart is unreadable. You never know when it might decide to go on vacation. If you know what I mean...

*Dedicated to Owen Kachiwiya*
Rest in eternal peace bro!

My weary soul.

A certain cousin of mine always advises me never to ever ask for an easy life. He says overcoming the hardships of this world, picking ourselves up after a big fall is what makes being alive interesting and each breath worthy.
But exactly how many hardships do we have to come face to face with and overcome in a lifetime? Is there a fixed figure, or do we have to be always alert in case they strike

This bitter world.

Graceful, I hope the title above doesn't scare you away. I know this blog totally contradicts the one below it, but I'm at my lowest now and no word of wisdom can make me feel better. All I wanna do is curl up into a pringle and cry my problems away. Life is shite! When you think you are done nursing one heartache, another one arrives. Without even giving you a warning.
I certainly am losing the will to fight and win. I have not even a globule of energy left to carry on.
I've lost the zeal to live.
When I look at my beautiful children, my family, the pain is like times a million it's original size. It hurts more than hell to
think that I'm so ready to give up without a fight. To be frank, I don't even wanna try. I'm tired, Graceful. And I know even if I try to equip my
weapons and gather up my courage and get into that war zone, I'm still gonna lose humiliatingly. Hope fractured beyond repair!
If only earth was kind enough to swallow me up right now...