Rihanna and Ti didn't make sense....

Earth has surely bred more losers than any other planet in comparison. I can't believe other people actually have an extra minute, in this busy world, to follow up on what others are doing. Such a waste of precious time.
But hey, I guess some people simply like to put their sorry asses on hold and watch others live.
Yeazus, their lives must be incomprehensibly boring to get to such lengths....!

Well, since you've chosen to make an executant out of moi, you won't be disappointed. I will give all'ya haters something juicy worth opening your gabbles wide for. So put them meaningless lives of yours on a long pause - or stop them all together, and make sure your silly, sorry backsides are as comfortable as possible for yours truly is about to give you an Oscar award winning performance.
Ha ha, am so loving this!
My life, your entertainment.

My faith in humanity slowly waning.

What is this world coming to, really?

When I was 16, I witnessed two of my favourite cousins (brother and sister) having incestuous intercourse. I thought it was the most sickening encounter to ever have taken place on planet earth, I thought my cousins were the "sickest sickos" alive.
But I was dead wrong.
The world is full of sickos, and some of the stuff they do are just way too gross for contemplation.

A good example would be two Irish sisters, well known as the "scissors sisters" who brutally hammered their mum's foreign boyfriend to death, dismembered him and and threw his body pieces in a canal, keeping his penis and head.
Then another pair of evil; brothers from Russia, murdered their other brother, chopped up his body, refrigirated the pieces, and ate them continously, everyday for six months.
And just recently, this well respected farmer shamelessly admitted to having sex with his sheep on regular basis. He even had the decency to tell the world that he enjoys the sick act with the poor animal, more than the way he does with his beloved wife. Tell me that it normal?

Everyday I pick up a news paper, there is always something heart-stoppingly depressing happening somewhere. If its not Bestiality, its Incest, or murder or some other soul-freezing thing beyond human understanding, like child molestation.
Its utterly disgusting!

Let me stop here for now before I puke my guts out on this laptop......

No proof of the existence of Sorcery.

Where I come from, almost everyone is obsessed with sorcery - witchcraft, in other words. Most people equate this evil-associated form of art with the eldery, and am not sure why. Maybe their frail and puckered appearance perfectly fits the imaginative description of evil......well, I dont know. I remember when I was in Standard 3, a certain friend of mine came to School late claiming a witch had fallen off from the roof at their house. Being horribly curious, I knew there was absolutely no way I was going to miss such a big event. I remember, I was supposed to take a Maths test on that day, but I chose to miss it for the witch. When I got there, I was dissappointed to see just an ordinary-looking old lady on the porch being mercilessly beaten. People who had come to the scene earlier swore the lady looked really scary minutes after her fall. They claimed her ears were as big as satelite dishes, her nose almost a 100m wide and so on. I did not believe any of that crap for I didn't see it, so I decided to go back to School to face the inevitable consequences - a good beating. The rest of the day went sour for me. The miserable whipping my backside endured on that particular afternoon, for missing the test would have been a lot more bearable if I had seen the witch still in her evil transformation (big ears and all that).......anyway, I guess it just was not my day.
Not only the old and wrinkled are the first suspects when it comes to witchcraft, even small children - especially the ones who look malnourished, are sometimes branded witches. It is a strong belief that stunted growth in kids is a result of eating too much human meat. Unbelievably GROSS!

I find this whole belief in sorcery ridiculous and stupid. How is it possible for a grown person to fly on a needle or broom, or sprint on a delicate Spider web? Honestly, if witchcraft really existed, a lot of people, especialy Africans, would be millionaires - they would use their magic powers to rob banks and make themselves filthy rich.
I believe the whole thing is just a stupid excuse losers use when things dont go their way. "ndalodzedwa, akuti akuti aja alemera mosadziwika bwino, ufiti...." These are the kinds of silly lines people usually comfort their silly *asses with, when their lives are nothing but total fiascos. PATHETIC!
Unless I see myself up in the sky on a needle, I will forever remain unconvinced about the existence of supernatural powers.

Malawi's upcoming "mummies and daddies" election.

I've tried so damn hard to keep my oversized nose out of Malawi's recent ridiculous political situation, but I think I've just had enough! Having to suppress turbulent rapids of rage over my home country's upcoming unnecessary general election for so long has left me emotionally paralysed. Look at the presidential candidates in running, do you honestly think Malawi is ready for change yet? Its seriously depressing. Where are all the young promising, intelligent, fresh politicians?
It's always been the same stupid parties and same old, disease-hampered faces running since the first general election fifteen years ago. To be truthful, these people are not even fit to be Kindergarten class monitors. And even if people voted for the right candidate, chances of the outcome being fair and genuine would still be close to none. It is indeed a hopeless situation.

Everytime I hear the name Bakili Muluzi, my mood takes a wrong, sour turn. I honestly think him running for president for the third time, is cripplingly absurd. My heart painfully bleeds every minute I try to think of why nobody was able to put a stop to that utter nonsense when it first begun.
Every Malawian citizen knows the guy has an incurable thieving disorder; he can not keep his hands out of other people's pockets. I sincerely thought change was what everybody wanted? But it seems people are ready for the repitition of bad history. Go ahead, vote for the thief then..

No one in their sound mind would want to waste their precious vote on John Tembo. Come on, the man gives politics a smelly name. If you were there during the Kamuzu era, then you probably know what am talking about_no need to make a long list of all his soul-chilling deeds. Besides, I do not even think Tembo has any presidency bone in him. I reckon the day this MCP leader becomes president will also be the day Pacific ocean dries up completely.

I am not going to waste any of my time talking about the elks of Gwanda Chakwamba, Kamlepo Kaluwa and all other political losers who think they even stand a chance. Seriously, what is there to say? Them guys haven't done anything solid politically....aargh...BORING!

A fat juicy critic about Bingu Wamutharika would have been a magnificent way to finish the chapter, but am afraid my little black book has nothing sinister about the current president. Seriously speaking, I haven't had a whiff of any planned assassinations, or pocketing of millions meant for charity from this guy yet. Ok, maybe electricity and water predicaments, but anybody in their right minds would know that is not entirely the president's fault. And judging from the new exotic look of the little warm heart of Africa nowadays, it would be unfair not to give him a morsel of credit. Ofcourse he is not Barack Obama, but I still think he has done alright.

Why go through the whole voting ordeal when we can simply let Bingu carry on with the reign? At least till the elks of Bakili Muluzi and John Tembo bite the dust.....

Bloodbath at Stamford bridge.

The Blue Hunkies smilingly finished the castration ceremony of Loserfools (Liverpool) which began last week wednesday.
Chelsea elusively denied Liverpool another chance to get into the semi-finals of Champion league. What a shame!
However, getting them Liverpool beasts to behave while the gelding was in process was not such an easy job. But the persistent Chelsea studs did it with pride.
What an energy-sapping competition it was; A real blood-bath!

Give me Drogba anytime.....lol
But a big well done to both teams. Liverpool might not have made it to the semis but it surely gave them Chelsea hunkies a good chase for their money.

Blue all the way!

Life isn't fair.

My last blog "Men can be SO BLOODY IRRITATING" has managed to infuriate a number of souls, am afraid.
One of my best buddies actually thought everything written in it was horriby feministic and unfair considering that not all men are insensitive bastards the way the blog insinuates.
Another one went on to say, 'I will quote'; Hannah, you are still as stubborn as ever. Will it ever get into your head that boys will always be boys? You dont deserve that saint of your hubby. Him being insanely jealous only means he loves you to bits. Why is it that the best guys are wasted on stubborn feminist like yourself?"

You know what, the last question got me thinking really hard about my life. People have always thought good things were wasted on me.
For example; When I was a baby, my aunt tells me my mom used to say the Hebrew name, "Hannah" which means "Graceful" in English, was wasted on me for I was a wicked bundle of screams and tears, not joy. I am told I would persistently scream till I got what I wanted. And when time came for my mum to wean me off the boob, I cried for ten days without giving my poorly immature lungs a break.
Growing up, my elder brother bullied me relentlessly and turned me into a terrible tomboy. My hair would always be cut very short_almost bald. I was that devastatingly naughty girl who was always among a bunch of boys climbing trees. I never used to wear pink or participate in anything girlish going on around the house. I was a constant source of frustration for my mother who eventually had to use the oldest trick in the book to turn me into a proper lady. She always used to cry everytime I got into trouble whether at school or around the neighbourhood for mischief. She must have thought I was cursed with the evil associated gay-gene or something......why else would she cry? Anyway, maybe I was just a handful...lol
My grandmother (God rest her soul) on the other hand thought it pointless to teach me any wifery duties like, cooking and washing since she was a hundred and twenty percent sure I would never get hitched....... (she must have turned in her grave when I did). However, she would always say a special rosary for me every night asking The Almighty to relieve me of my satan-accompanied stubbornness and tomboyshness. (It worked I must say).
Whilst my Nana was all over me like a bad nappy rash with her rosary beads, it was my aunties from my dad's side who always managed to raise my temper to a dangerous effervescing point. They would go on and on about how they could not understand why splendid feminine qualities like shapely hips and boobs were wasted on somebody who did not deserve them; somebody like me. And It wasn't just my family on my case. Even people I had no blood ties with thought they had a say in my being stubborn and flippant. I really felt seriously smothered. I truly believed these people were trying to tell me how to live my life and I did not like it. So I resorted to day dreaming and numbed all my sensory nerves. It worked like a charm. The only disadvantage of my new found antidote to these people's salty insults and complaints was that it did not have a positive effect in my life academically. I remember day dreaming all the lessons I thought excruciatingly boring away in my school days. That frustrated the wits of almost all my teachers for they believed I did not make good use of my "super brains".......another super quality wasted on me.....shooo!

And believe it or not, when I reproduced, everybody including my best friend almost suffered a heart attack from shock. My aunt instantly aged prematurely and she is now in a nursing home.....lol When I asked why everybody thought my reproducing strange, they told me that somehow the word reproduction and my name didnt really make sense in the same sentence........absolute mania.

Well, isnt it funny how life's lottery distributes its prizes and awards to the least suited candidates? For example; mostly, the least maternal women turn out to be annoyingly fertile, while the most maternal may have to strive to beget. Beautiful women who have more than a fair share of sexy admirers are sometimes indifferent to sex, while plain women are troubled with the highest libidos of secret nymphomaniacs.
Those with the talent to be artists may not have the temperament, and some with the ambition for glory do no have the talent. Those who have the brains may not be diligent enough, and the most diligent ones lack the brains. And those more suited to the role of marriage get the worst partners and vice-versa.

Sorry guys, but life is a bitch so deal with it!

Men can be SO BLOODY IRRITATING!!!!!

Aaaarrgh!!!
Male creatures can be so heartbreakingly annoying at times. Everytime I put an effort to at least get into their thick brains to figure them out, a terrible migraine hits me harder than a lightning bolt instead.
I've had it up to the neck with these insensitive, satan-forsaken beasts!

Who created men anyway? Surely not God...
Gosh! They are such irritants!

When a lady is quite, they think she is being moody.
"is it that time of the month again honey?" Thats all they think about..
Jeez, I could do with brutal strangulation!
It seems men do not like seeing their women smiling, laughing or just enjoying themselves; "honey, you are a bit irky today are you sure your haven't had too much to drink?" That question just drives me suicidal! Its like an insult to an injury.
To these creatures, every intimate gesture from their lady has to end in between the legs. They dont understand that sometimes a woman just want to feel her man close enjoying the warmth and the sound of his heart beat without going all the bloody way.
I have always felt there is more to love than just an ordinary romp. (No I aint frigid if thats what you think). After all love is suppose to be unconditional (sex or no sex) and be felt from the heart and from within a woman's legs. But nah, men always put sex as a condition. I truly believe you have to feel for someone deeply before you enjoy sex with them thoroughly. Thats why its called making love. But I guess that theory has yet to sink into animal's thick skulls. And chances of that happening are in negatives.

Whilst all men are the same in terms of annoyance and irritation, mine scoops the most massive gold medal for serious abuse of both behaviours. When am quite he starts whining about how tired he is of my flactuating moods. When am happier than usual, he always thinks alcohol has something to do with it and finds it irritating.
He hates my books so much he threatened to burn them all. He does not like me reading at all. But when I decide to give my eyes a break and make noise with my sister on the phone instead, he asks why I aint reading coz my talking to my only sibling galls him to the depth of his troubled soul.
And when am online, he goes ballistic and takes it out on glasses and anything that is breakable within his reach.
When I'm late from work, he jumps to a stupid "you are having an affair" conclusion. When I stay home, he thinks I have a mission of bringing other men in the house whilst he is at work.
I often ask him what he wants me to be doing instead since nothing pleases him.

All you good ladies out there, dont go out of your way just to please a man. They never get satisfied anyway. That is the way they will always be!

*apologies to all men who have read this...its just me musing out loud the truth.