Happy Birthday Titch little!

Jaysus, the heartless Mr old age always has a way to get to people who fear him the most. Ofcourse am wrinkle-phobic...what do you think?

Anyway, the story is, my littlest man turns two in exactly 24 hours from now. All the cold sweat from trying to forget all about my age goes unnoticed, under the bridge.

These little animals we painfully give life to always make sure one "onekelaz ng'amba ndi ukalamba" (I don't know how to Englishize the quoted sentence....sorry to all who can't get it).

Anyway, I am having mixed feelings about Titch little's birthday. I am happy he is finally getting out of nappies, over the moon about retiring from evil bottles, but at the same time, am sad coz my baby is growing up. Soon he will be as cheeky as the other animal who thinks being 4 is all that....

Very soon I will be whacking his evil, silly little ass, and believe me, I aint lookin forward to it.

Tj, born on the 30th July 2007, is the most adorable little creature I have ever set my eyes upon. Born at exactly 34 weeks like his big brother, he was really tiny but very perfect. I remember him screaming his lungs out soon after I pushed him out. When I looked down at him, covered in blood and guts, I thought he was a cute, but intensely irritated baby frog....what with all the brain piercing screams...?

The nurses quickly covered him up and rushed him to the premature ward. When I saw him again in his incubator a few hours later, in tubes, I couldnt stop myself from crying - tears of joy ofcourse. He was so beautiful everyone thought he was a little girl. The doctors were very impressed with his progress they allowed him home after only 3 days (his brother spent two weeks in the same neonatal unit).

My little Tick is such an angel - a joy to look at after a joyless day. He can be stubborn at times, and has a temper of a red chilli pepper. But he is also so sweet he would make honey tastes like quinine. If you see him among his friends, or with his brother and cousin, you can't help but notice how different he is....he's got a certain inexplicable aura to him that attracts people's attention.

Tj makes even the most metal-hearted person smile.

Happy 2nd Birthday my angelic little boy!

Remember mum loves you always.

Congrats to the "Feds Express"!

The word 'rarity' comes with everything that has the name Roger Federer on it. On tennis courts, he does not only break his opponents hearts, but also legendary records. And when it comes to natural reproduction, he does it in doubles.

The Feds became a father for the very first time to little twin girls on thursday, the 16th of July. Surely, tennis extraordinary talents of tomorrow. I bet he is over the moon!

He better be for soon he will be on court with puffy eyes from lack of sleep due to the joyful bondages that will accompany his gorgeous pack of two.....the likes of midnight screams and bottle feeding..... lol.

Congratulations to the legend!

Too tired to comprehend.

Today is one of those days when my emotions seem to get the better of my being. Yeah, same old story......
I wish I could just numb my senses and never feel this pain ever again.
I am an emotional time bomb. I blast any time, any place.

I can't cry no more, for my tissues responsible for the production of tears are all dysfunctional from working overtime for far too long.
I have never been so helpless in my life!
Everytime I feel like I've finally got to the bottom of my condition, there comes another reminder......
My heart gets heavy like a tonne in my sternum. I literally can feel this sharp piercing pain deep in my soul caused by regret over lost opportunities.
I just wanna hurdle into a ball and forever cry this pain away. I wanna be free. I wanna be able to look back and not feel like am being cruelly scalded with overboiled cooking oil.....make it acid...

But despite this lumpy form of unhappiness thats buried within me, I still have to continue living. I still have to smile even when my heart is drenched in bloody tears.
How much longer can I carry on with this pretence? I am dangerously running out of energy to go on. It gets harder by the day.

So far I've realised that the unnerving grief one goes through after losing a loved one to death is unbearable, but it gets better after some time.

But how do you mourn a loved one who is still breathing? How do you get them out of your life when they have been there for so long? How do you cut that emotional attachment that won't give in to the sharpest sword? How do you get yourself to forget....? And how do you move on when your soul is still stuck in the past?
I wish feelings were like light switches.......

Really funny!

I can still feel my tummy stinging from laughing so much.
My hubby is in one grumpy mood over our four year old telling his teachers that 'his dad is older than rain......'
I think the old guy is going through midlife crisis.

The final curtain....

Counting how many loved ones I've lost to the most cruel type of human nature, (death) I try so hard to convince myself am not scared....
I tell myself that if those loved ones of mine fearlessly went through the inescapable route of life, so can I.
But to be truthful, am bloody terrified!
It must be painful breathing one's last breath....
And where do we go when we finally bite the terrible dust?
Do heaven and hell really exist?

So many questions, so few answers....

Burying the dream.

A time comes when that beautiful dream we've been chasing after all our lives runs a million miles way ahead of us.
Weary and teary, but knowing our happiness depends on us catching it, we carry on with the thorny chase-race.....still hoping...

And before we realise it, we've reached an impasse, a cul-de-sac....that place where we can't go no further..............
Before we know it, we are left with only that impossible choice, the ultimate - Burying the dream.....

Man in the mirror.

I can't stop wondering what Michael Jackson really felt about "man in the mirror"?

Love hurts??

Sorry, despite my outpouring sea of tears yesterday, am still in the middle of an emotional storm. There is just no way out for me!
I was reading something about love where someone made a comment about how love hurts.

Does love really hurt?
Nah, love is beautiful.
The only time it hurts, and real' bad, is when its unrequited or unbalanced. If ever you've experienced either of the two types of love, then you really have been to the loneliest place of life.

Emotional Stains.

Just in case you are interested, I didn't go to work today.
Yes, I had one of those cloudy mornings and decided to feel sorry for my silly ass at home.
I needed to give my soul a thorough cleansing by having a good cry, alone. Not that it helps much, but it makes me feel a wee better.
After drenching my pillow with salty tears, I drifted into a troubled dreamless sleep.

I am so sad coz I can't seem to wash away certain emotional stains. Am disturbed coz I just can't seem to get past certain unresolved feelings.
The object of my affection is the focal point of my chronically emotional disorder. This object of my desires has grown onto my most vital organ like a malignant tumour, its causing me so much pain.

As I sit here, typing this, a new flood of tears is threatening to pour out. Trying to blink it back is becoming an excruciating test of mental strength.
Why do I even feel this way?
Ofcourse, trying to figure out an answer for that is a total fiasco.
There is no web page I haven't browsed, looking for answers for my condition - a heartache beyond fathomlessness.

All the inspirational quotes, sayings and articles I have read about accepting fate remain meaningless and senseless to me.
When it comes to the "epicenter of my heart", I'm indispensably stuck. I just can't seem to accept its over.......

***some stains we get along life's road are just so indelible they can't be bleached away****

A true STAR - Michael Jackson.

God put each and everyone of us on earth for a special purpose (though am yet to discover what my purpose is...).

Anyway, Michael Joseph Jackson's only purpose on this planet was to entertain.

And he did that, alright.....

He entertained!

The one to beat his record is yet to be born.

RIP MJ.